The Blue Bear in the Backseat 

I am an educated woman, who has lived a life full of joy accompanied at times with sorrow.....and currently have a blue stuffed teddy bear in the backseat of my VW bug to help with the void created by two homegrown sons off into the world and an exchange son who returned to his homegrown family. The void is deep and I'm doing everything I can to keep the rift from widening and taking everything in with it.

 Now, no worries here....I can deal and am quite capable of moving through this. And that is the point: to move through it I need to move through it...feel everything...see it all...wonder....weep...smile....recall. It is the beauty of having lived one way for 21 years and now having a new way for the next 40 years (+).

So, the house is cleaned and tidied, with all of their stuff in their rooms but their rooms ready for guests. The house already has a visual sense of a new way, but to the knowing eye there are wisps of ghosts lurking, haunting, billowing throughout every corner. I hope those ghosts stay for a long time.

The goodbye was as it should be, and better than if the plan had gone as originally sited. Instead of a day long tear stained farewell, it was a pragmatic, comfortable and known pattern of road trip wisdom. Upon arrival Turner greeted us with a "Oh hey!" as he approached and Bennett moved into the cloud of staffers. There was this moment, when they stood side beside, these brothers who have declared since boyhood that they were brothers and not friends, looking like twins....faces happy and open, bodies full and strong, spirits playful and wise. This is the goodbye scene that is embedded in my body and it is sweet. If I never see them ever again, I will always see them standing beside each other, brothers...sons....ready. 

Yet, we will see them again. And again and again. they will come home for 4 days here, a week there, and perhaps even for a year of post college, loan payoff living where we all get to experience the adultness of one another instead of parent/child interaction. When they come home, our arms will be wide but not empty, because our own living will have continued.

And continue it does. The house will be filled with the offering of spiritual direction and acupuncture...healing for spirit and body. We've already hit the trail with our bikes, and hit the bed with the intimacy of the house. We will have as much to tell Turner and Bennett when they come home, as we will have things to listen to from them. The blue bear in the backseat will one day be unnecessary, but until then.....

Blessed Be. We reap what we sow, and the ground has been fertile. Amen.